


Memoriam

by chainsawdog



Series: Order Abandoned [7]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-07 21:38:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6825388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chainsawdog/pseuds/chainsawdog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ahsoka Tano, fourteen years old, has lost a squadron of men in an attempt to break a Separatist blockade over Ryloth.<br/>Anakin Skywalker, twenty years old, has been raised in war since he was nine.<br/>Captain Rex (designation CT-7576), has only been alive for a few years and known nothing but the life of a soldier.<br/>The clones lost in the war so far have been expected casualties. Who takes the time to bury their bodies? Other than their brothers, who stops to mourn their deaths?<br/>How long can this continue?</p><p>Set during "Storm Over Ryloth."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Axe, Skipper, Slammer, Kickback, Swoop and Tucker.  
  
Anakin’s voice; _The men you’re commanding are depending on you with their lives._  
  
Anakin’s voice; _Take heart, little one. That’s the reality of command._  
  
Tucker’s screams.  
  
She’d been so confident. She was Anakin Skywalker’s Padawan. She’d nearly succeeded – if the Separatists hadn’t played a dirty trick, if she hadn’t disobeyed direct orders from Yularen and Anakin –  
  
It didn’t matter now.  
  
Tucker had died first.  
  
One flagship had gone down – a whole flagship. Had that been her fault?  
  
Axe’s power converters had failed and then –  
  
She’d felt his death in the Force.  
  
They were people.  
  
They were people. They had names.  
  
Axe and Tucker. Skipper. Slammer.  
  
Only Kickback and Swoop had survived.  
  
And, oh Force, Anakin could have died too. It would have been her fault. Anakin’s disappointment had cut her deep but nothing, _nothing_ could compare to how much she had hated herself in that moment.  
  
_Ahsoka, I’m very disappointed in you._  
  
She had just wanted to prove herself. She’d just wanted to make Anakin and Obi-Wan proud of her. She’d wanted to make herself proud. She’d wanted to prove that she deserved to fight alongside them.  
  
_I understand what you’re going through._  
  
Did Anakin count every clone lost? Did Anakin feel their deaths like they were his own?  
  
Did Anakin remember all their names?  
  
_It wasn’t your fault._  
  
Oh, but it was.  
  
Did she want to do this, anymore? If she left, she would disappoint Anakin. She would disappoint Rex, and Obi-Wan.  
  
There was no _time_. They never had any time.  
  
Ahsoka sensed Rex’s approach. She was sitting by Admiral Yularen’s side.  
  
“Commander Ahsoka,” Rex said. Soldier first, friend second. “General Skywalker is looking for you.”  
  
“Rex…” Ahsoka stood, looking at the Captain.  
  
“He said it was urgent, Commander,” Rex’s voice softened, and she knew that if she asked, he would sit down and talk to her.  
  
If they had time.  
  
“Can… can we talk later?” she asked quietly.  
  
Rex nodded once. Ahsoka looked at him, wondering if he hated her for getting his brothers killed. He placed a hand on her shoulder, and she looked away. How could she look him in the eyes, after what she’d done?


	2. Chapter 2

Anakin had never been great at controlling his emotions. He expressed them erratically; bursts of anger seeming to come from nowhere; rapturous, giddy joy bursting from him at sometimes inappropriate moments; a quiet droid-like mood settling on him in times of stress.  
  
At least he showed emotions. It made Ahsoka feel a little less guilty about hers. Unless sarcasm was an emotion, Ahsoka wasn’t sure Obi-Wan had any. No, that wasn’t fair. She’d seen him worry before, and she’d seen him happy. Force knew she’d seen the way he looked at Anakin.  
  
Ahsoka knew a handful of things about Anakin’s past. He’d come from Tatooine. He’d joined the Order older than most initiates.  
  
He refused to say why.  
  
Anakin and Obi-Wan both refused to talk about Qui-Gon Jinn. Ahsoka had heard the name in her studies, and from some of the older Jedi. She knew Qui-Gon had trained Obi-Wan, and died on Naboo. The Council had decided that was Obi-Wan’s trial, and he had become a Jedi Master.  
  
Ahsoka had never been brave enough to ask Obi-Wan about that.  
  
So, the two of them – the Hero With No Fear and the Negotiator – had been thrown together much in the same way she and Anakin had. Or so she assumed.  
  
Ahsoka found Anakin beneath his starfighter, probably doing routine maintenance. Artoo was sitting patiently nearby. Artoo beeped fondly when he saw Ahsoka, and she put a hand on his dome.  
  
Anakin didn’t slide out from under the ship as he asked her to hand him a socket plug. Once she had done that, he asked her, “How’re you feeling, Snips?”  
  
Responsible for hundreds of deaths. Scared she’d pushed the campaign back and condemned the Twi’lek people of Ryloth to starvation.  
  
Unsettled, panicky, uncertain of her abilities.  
  
Shaken.  
  
Guilty.  
  
What she said was; “I’m fine, Master. Just fine.”  
  
Anakin rolled out from beneath the ship and sat up. Resting an arm on his knee, his other hand on the floor, he looked at her and raised an eyebrow.  
  
“What?” she asked.  
  
“We don’t have much time,” he said. “But I need you to be honest with me. You’ll need a level head if we’re gonna pull this thing off.”  
  
Ahsoka frowned. “Pull what off?” she asked.  
  
When he explained that they were going ahead with their attack on the blockade, Ahsoka felt her breath catch in her throat.  
  
“We can’t!” she protested.  
  
“Ahsoka,” Anakin’s tone was firm, and he stood to look at her properly. “We have to break that blockade. The Twi’leks on Ryloth are depending on us.”  
  
Why was he so stubborn? He’d said he understood how she felt, and now he was pushing her to make the same mistakes she’d made. Now he was rushing ahead into battle just like she had, and what if he died?  
  
She tried to regain her composure. “I understand that,” she said. “But… we’ve lost so many men.” And it was all my fault, she thought. Closing her eyes, she took a shaky breath in. “Did we get more support?”  
  
“No,” Anakin said quietly. He turned his back on her, to fiddle with his ship. “We have to make do with what forces we have. And… we need to come up with a plan.”  
  
Ahsoka’s fear switched to anger. “You don’t even have a _plan_?” she snapped.  
  
Anakin turned to face her. “Don’t worry, Ahsoka.” He tried to put a hand on her shoulder, but she slapped it away, her heart racing.  
  
“No!” she said. “That’s what you said last time, and now everyone’s gone! My whole squadron! We can’t just… just _smash_ through that blockade!”  
  
Anakin was quiet for a moment.  
  
Then, to Ahsoka’s surprise, he pulled her into a hug. She tensed for a moment, then relaxed, listening to his steady heartbeat. He was warm, and strong, and anchoring. Comforting. Tears welled in her eyes.  
  
Before she could cry, however, Anakin’s commlink beeped. He let her go, and moved away to answer.  
  
“Skywalker here,” he said into the comm.  
  
Rex spoke through the comm. “General,” he said. “The _Defender_ is contacting us. There seems to be a problem.”  
  
Ahsoka hugged her arms around herself, and waited.  
  
Anakin looked at her. “All right, Rex,” he said. “I’ll be right there.”  
  
He hung up. Then he put a hand on Ahsoka’s shoulder. “Go back to your quarters,” he said.  
  
Ahsoka turned away. Anakin sat on the wing of his starfighter, and put his head in his hands. It wasn’t easy to keep his temper in check, not even around Ahsoka. He thought he’d done all right. She wasn’t allowed to know how worried he was about her. That would diminish her confidence.  
  
Anakin knew she could handle herself. Ahsoka had proven that time and again.  
  
With a sigh he got back to his feet, and made his way to the communications hub. He had an idea. Ahsoka had given it to him.


	3. Chapter 3

A quiet moment, later.  
  
Anakin’s plan had worked. Ahsoka had inspired him, and now there were Republic forces on Ryloth. The plan had been reckless, and arrogant, and it had worked. Because it was Anakin.  
  
Anakin had trusted Ahsoka to save his life. In fact, he had placed his life in her hands and hadn’t given her a chance to say no. He had gone over her head, left her in charge, and rushed off.  
  
She’d wanted to throw up.  
  
Trust me, Anakin had said.  
  
But the clones hadn’t. Ahsoka was young. Inexperienced. She hadn’t exactly given them a good first impression. Because Anakin had put her in that position, risking his own life, she’d had no choice.  
  
It was when Yularen returned to the bridge to support her that the clones started to listen.  
  
Now, Anakin and Ahsoka sat together on the Resolute.  
  
“Skyguy…”  
  
Anakin glanced at Ahsoka. She was looking at the floor, her elbows resting on her thighs.  
  
“What is it, Snips?” he asked.  
  
“You didn’t… risk your life, just to… just for me, did you?”  
  
Anakin looked at her carefully. “Well, no,” he said. “We needed to get through that blockade. And I knew you’d complete your mission, Ahsoka. I trusted you to.”  
  
They fell into silence. Neither of them were practiced at this.  
  
“I… thank you,” said Ahsoka.  
  
It would be difficult to put into words the pride that Anakin felt for his Padawan. It burned within him, something fierce and powerful and overwhelming.  
  
So he simply said, “I’m proud of you, Ahsoka. You did a good job.”  
  
Ahsoka looked up at him. “Really, Master?” she asked.  
  
Anakin put a hand on her shoulder. “Yes,” he said. “Really.”  
  
Ahsoka moved closer, to rest her head on Anakin’s shoulder. He put his arm around her.  
  
“Anakin…”  
  
Ahsoka took a deep breath in, and let it out in a sigh. Anakin waited.  
  
“Do you remember their names?” she asked quietly.  
  
There was a moment. Then;  
  
“Slick,” he said. “Not the first clone we lost. But Slick… he betrayed us for a couple of measly credits. Before that, on Geonosis… the clones didn’t have names that we knew, not then. They were just soldiers. I was more worried about Obi-Wan, and Padmé, it didn’t matter where they’d come from or who they were.”  
  
Anakin sighed.  
  
“When I lost my arm became a Knight,” he said.  
  
Ahsoka listened quietly, afraid that if she interrupted or reminded him she was there, he would stop talking.  
  
“And then the war started in earnest,” Anakin continued. “Attempting to execute Senator Amidala was an open declaration of war between the Separatist Alliance and the Republic.”  
  
Ahsoka couldn’t help herself. “Why were you there?” she asked. “On Geonosis?”  
  
She heard Anakin huff. He sounded amused.  
  
“Padmé had decided we had to go after Obi-Wan,” he said. “And he was there, following a lead. A bounty hunter had tried to assassinate Padmé. That led Obi-Wan to Kamino while I… I was Padmé’s bodyguard, essentially.”  
  
Ahsoka smiled to herself.  
  
“So, Obi-Wan ended up on Geonosis, and he was attacked. We got the message and relayed it to the Temple, then Padmé…” Anakin’s voice dropped. “I wanted to go after him,” he said. It sounded as if he was trying to convince himself more than Ahsoka.  
  
“So you did,” said Ahsoka.  
  
There was a pause. Then, “Only because of Padmé.”  
  
“Does she love him, too?”  
  
Anakin shifted, and Ahsoka sat up. He looked at her. “I don’t know,” he said. “She cares about him.”  
  
Ahsoka made her mouth a crooked line. “I suppose it doesn’t matter,” she said quietly.  
  
Anakin looked away.  
  
“I was put into a coma by the healers on my return to Coruscant,” he spoke softly, now. “When I woke up, they’d made me a Knight, and a General. Rex was assigned to me. The 501st became my taskforce. Obi-Wan got the 212th, and Cody. Slick was the first clone to… defect. I guess the Kaminoans bred them to follow orders.”  
  
He stopped. His shoulders slumped, and he rested his elbows on his knees, leaning forward. He put his face in his hands.  
  
“I remember exactly what he said to me, before he was taken into custody.” Anakin turned his head to look at Ahsoka. “ _‘It's the Jedi who keep my brothers enslaved. We do your bidding. We serve at your whim.’_ ”  
  
Ahsoka frowned. Anakin looked back at the ground.  
  
“I remember all their names,” he said quietly. “Shadow Squadron. Remember?”  
  
The Separatist General, Grievous, had a weapon that could take out a flagship. Ahsoka remembered. Plo Koon and his Wolffe Pack had nearly died.  
  
“Matchstick,” he said. “Tag. Those deaths were my fault. I made the same mistake you did, Ahsoka.”  
  
Ahsoka remained silent.  
  
“I was overconfident. I got my men killed. You were there, Ahsoka. You were the reason I changed my tactics.”  
  
Ahsoka put her hand on his shoulder uncertainly.  
  
“I was so focused on killing Grievous that I nearly got everyone else killed,” he glanced at her. “Maybe Slick was right. Maybe clones are slaves.”  
  
Ahsoka frowned. “Why do you think that?” she asked.  
  
Anakin stood up.  
  
“They’re bred to fight for the Republic,” he said, his voice trembling. He clenched his fists, started to pace. “Grown at an accelerated rate just to serve in a war that they didn’t sign up for. They belong to the Republic. To the Jedi.”  
  
“Have you asked them how they feel about it?” Ahsoka watched him, worried.  
  
“I’ve… talked to Rex. Once,” Anakin stopped pacing. “We agreed. There’s nothing either of us can do to change things. But the clones… they should be given a choice. If it weren’t for the Separatists, the Techno Union, churning out battle droids by the million… maybe we could, I don’t know, do things differently.”  
  
“How?” Ahsoka asked. “The Separatists aren’t going to stop fighting, and we have to defend our people.”  
  
Anakin sighed. He sat down on the floor, his back pressed against the wall. Hugging his legs to his chest, he said, “I don’t know, Ahsoka. I don’t know.”


	4. Chapter 4

Rex found them a few hours later. Ahsoka had fallen asleep on the bed. Anakin sat huddled in the corner. His nose was red, and his eyes were puffy. When Rex entered the room, Anakin sniffed and wiped his face with the back of his hand.  
  
“What is it, Captain?” he asked.  
  
“I just wanted to check in on Ahsoka,” Rex said quietly. “She’s been through a lot. And I wasn’t immediately… supportive of your plan, and that reflected badly on her with the other soldiers.”  
  
“She’s asleep,” said Anakin, getting to his feet.  
  
“Are… are you okay, sir?”  
  
Anakin nodded. “Just stress, Captain,” he said quietly. “Stress and too much time to think.” He sighed. “And…”  
  
Rex raised an eyebrow, waiting for Anakin to continue.  
  
Anakin glanced at Ahsoka, and shook his head. “I can’t leave her,” he said. “Even if I wanted to leave the Order. I couldn’t leave Ahsoka.”  
  
“I know, sir,” Rex replied softly. He put a hand on Anakin’s shoulder, and Anakin looked into his eyes.  
  
“I was thinking you could talk to Senator Amidala,” Rex said. “I know that she’s trying to end the war through politics. Maybe if the Senate knew what sort of toll it was taking… they would be more open to peace talks with the Separatists.” He took his hand away. “I know they don’t see us as people. We’re pawns,” his tone had taken a hard edge. “Maybe if they saw us otherwise, they would stop voting for the creation of more clones.”  
  
Rex looked away from Anakin. “My brothers are my brothers,” he said. “But we are also weapons. We will never be anything more than soldiers, and most of us will die on the front lines. I think you care about us. You either care or you don’t value your own life. I’d like to think it’s the former. I can tell the kid cares, too.”  
  
Rex took a deep breath in. “I’ve probably crossed a line,” he said. “And this borders on insubordination. We’re not supposed to question our superiors. We’re good soldiers, Skywalker, we do what we were made to do. But lately… I’ve been wondering what the point is. When my brothers die, we don’t get funerals. Other Jedi…” he lowered his voice. “Other Jedi don’t seem care about us, sir. Whether we live or die. As long as we do our job and don’t question them.”  
  
Anakin crossed his arms. “I can’t speak for them, Rex,” he said quietly. “I know I shouldn’t… I don’t know. I shouldn’t... probably shouldn't consider you a friend. But you’re a good man and you’ve saved my life more than once. You deserve the choice. I need you by my side but… if you decided to leave the 501st today I wouldn’t try to stop you.” Anakin meant what he said, but he still ached to think he could lose another friend.  
  
“I… appreciate that, Skywalker,” Rex said. “But I'm not giving up on the Republic.”  
  
Anakin sighed. “Rex, I’m giving you permission to call me by my first name. In a casual setting, of course.”  
  
Rex smiled. “If you say so. Anakin.”  
  
Anakin held out his hand, and Rex clasped it.  
  
“You’ll let Ahsoka know I dropped by?” Rex asked, as he turned to leave the room.  
  
“Of course, Rex,” said Anakin. “If you want, I’ll tell her you wanted to talk to her.”  
  
“If you would, Sk- Anakin,” said Rex. He saluted casually, two fingers to his temple, before leaving.  
  
Once Rex had left, Anakin turned to look at Ahsoka. Obi-Wan was on the planet’s surface. Padmé was back on Coruscant. Ahsoka and Anakin would wait in orbit until the ground team signalled them for help.  
  
Ahsoka looked peaceful. She was curled up on her side, her mouth slightly open. Anakin hoped she’d have good dreams. After his first battle, the nightmares hadn’t stopped for about a week. Before that, he’d had nightmares of his mother, dying. As a child, well, there were plenty of things for a slave to have nightmares about. Some nights he dreamed of Qui-Gon’s death, even though he hadn’t been there.  
  
Once, Anakin had thought he’d get used to it. To war. Despite his prowess on the battlefield, and the rush he got from fighting, the fallout from it all didn’t seem worth it. Padmé couldn’t understand the things he saw when he closed his eyes. Anakin didn’t know how to talk about it, what words to use to describe such death and destruction. He’d mostly killed battle droids, that was true. There were clones he had failed. Civilians he hadn’t saved. Mistakes that had cost others their lives.  
  
And he was leading Ahsoka down the same path.


End file.
